In a shocking display of national unity, a recent poll revealed that 78% of Americans now wish they were Elon Musk’s children, citing one main reason: so they’d never have to see him again.
“I don’t want his money. I don’t want a Tesla. I just want the emotional distance,” said one respondent, tearing up. “If being his kid guarantees I’m ghosted for life, sign me up.”
The billionaire — known for launching rockets, tanking stock prices, and treating fatherhood like a weird fertility side quest — now has so many children that even he’s started calling them by placeholder variables. “X, A-12, Beta-Test 7… whatever. If they needed a dad, they should’ve come with better PR,” Musk reportedly said during a livestream about colonizing Neptune, moments before firing someone for blinking too loud.
Child psychologists say Musk’s parenting style is “less helicopter and more intergalactic disappearance.”
“Elon doesn’t raise kids,” one expert noted. “He manufactures them like off-brand NFTs, loses the password, and moves on.”
The campaign to be legally adopted by Musk — strictly for the lack of contact — is gaining steam, with Americans across all demographics saying it’s the only way to guarantee “no eye contact, no tweets, and no unsolicited flamethrowers.”
When asked for comment, Musk replied, “I don’t really deal with Earth stuff anymore. I’m busy making a baby with AI.”
Update: Elon has just had two more kids. Names pending. Acknowledgment doubtful.
