The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale and overall vibes.” Sources close to the former president lauded the decision as “unprecedented greatness,” with Trump himself claiming, “No other nation’s flags are flaccid like ours. Other countries are looking, believe me.”

Critics argue the move is emblematic of broader dysfunction, with one senator lamenting, “We’ve gone from waving the flag to lightly draping it over a chair and hoping for the best.” Meanwhile, the new policy has sparked unexpected entrepreneurial opportunities, with manufacturers rushing to create collapsible flagpoles capable of “gentle disinterest.” Social media users, unsurprisingly, were quick to capitalize, with hashtags like #FlaccidFreedom and #SaggingWithPride trending. As one commentator quipped, “This might be the only time a limp showing gets this much national attention.”