Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables.

In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all blow-up sex dolls sold in the state must be official Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls.

“These dolls will be a key component in restoring America’s moral fiber,” said Walters as he stood in front of a podium adorned with miniature flags and a bobblehead of the former president. “If Americans are going to indulge in… intimate activities, they should do so with a figure that stands for greatness, a true American icon—Donald J. Trump.”

The Trump™ Blow-Up Doll, manufactured exclusively by Trump Industries, is a larger-than-life inflatable modeled after the former president himself. Complete with a comb-over made from “genuine imitation hair” and a tie that critics are calling “bizarrely long even for inflatable standards,” the doll has been described as a “patriotic must-have for any God-fearing American.”

Walters emphasized that the doll isn’t just any inflatable, but rather a moral beacon for lost souls. “This is about more than physical pleasure,” he stated, his voice quivering with conviction. “This is about intimacy with America itself. The doll’s sturdy frame and unblinking eyes will remind users of what it means to truly love this country and be loved in return. Nothing says ‘patriotism’ like staring into Donald Trump’s plastic gaze while you… uh, express your freedom.”

As Walters spoke, an overhead projection of the doll was displayed behind him, showing the detailed craftsmanship that went into the design. “It’s anatomically correct in all the right ways,” Walters added with a wink, sending shivers down the spines of anyone still paying attention. “Just imagine cuddling up at night, feeling safe and secure as you gently caress that synthetic, orange-tinted skin. Now that’s what America is about!”

According to Walters, the mandate is meant to “teach values and pride in our country’s greatest leader,” encouraging Americans to “explore the deep bond they have with their nation” while getting cozy with the plastic Trump likeness.

“I want Oklahomans to know what it feels like to embrace greatness,” Walters explained. “To feel secure knowing you’re in the arms of someone who truly understands the art of the deal. To experience the warmth of his smiling face looking down at you as you… embrace your God-given freedoms.”

In addition to its, shall we say, stimulating uses, the Trump™ Blow-Up Doll will come with a voice box pre-loaded with over 1,000 of Trump’s most iconic phrases, including “Fake News,” “China,” and “I’ve done more for this country than anyone else in history.” It also plays a special version of God Bless America for those extra patriotic moments of self-reflection.

Though Walters insists the proposal will instill “true American values,” the initiative has already faced significant backlash from critics who argue that forcing residents to purchase and, um, “interact” with inflatable Trump dolls is “deeply disturbing,” “wildly unnecessary,” and “somehow both unpatriotic and uncomfortable.”

In response, Walters brushed off the criticism. “These are just liberals who don’t understand American tradition,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “They’re probably too busy snuggling up to their Bill Clinton body pillows to realize what they’re missing.”

As for concerns about consent—mainly, whether or not the doll could consent to such intimate experiences—Walters reassured the public that the Trump doll, “much like the man himself,” is always ready for action. “It’s resilient, folks, believe me,” he stated. “And if there’s one thing we know about Trump, it’s that he can handle anything thrown his way. Or, in this case, anyone.”

In the end, Walters’ goal is simple: he wants every American to feel a deep connection to the former president, quite literally in this case. “We’re not just saving America’s soul here,” he said, gripping a miniature version of the doll in his hands. “We’re giving America a way to feel close to its greatest leader… in ways you never thought possible.”

Oklahoma residents should expect to see these Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls in stores by the end of the year, complete with a MAGA hat, limited-edition tanning lotion, and a waiver form—just in case the experience gets too real.