In a move that has stunned political pundits and family dinner tables alike, thousands of Republican women across the country have chosen to literally eat their young in an effort to prove once and for all that conservative women, like their Democratic counterparts, do not require children to assert political or personal power.

The mass self-cannibalization campaign, dubbed “Operation No Need for Offspring,” emerged in the wake of controversial remarks made by Ohio Senator J.D. Vance, who claimed that childless liberals — affectionately referred to as “cat ladies” — lack the basic drive to sustain society. This comment, widely seen as a swipe at prominent child-free Democratic figures like Vice President Kamala Harris, has been met with fierce backlash and a bizarre counter-response from the Republican side.

“They think we need kids to be powerful?”

“We’re sick and tired of being told we only matter because of our reproductive organs,” said Karen O’Reilly, a prominent conservative activist and former PTA president, moments after devouring her 6-year-old in an Instagram live broadcast. “Look, I love my children, but if proving my independence means eating them to stick it to the libs, then pass the ketchup.”

The culinary rebellion has taken off in red states across America, with women gathering in kitchens not to bake, but to braise. Some have described it as an empowering act of defiance against liberal narratives that suggest only Democrats can opt out of motherhood and thrive in the political arena.

“We’re just as strong, just as capable, and clearly just as hungry for change,” said Alabama mother of three, Tiffany ‘Grizzly Mom’ Jenkins, before noting how tender her youngest son turned out after marinating overnight. “If Kamala can be Vice President without kids, why can’t I be Governor of Alabama with a side of medium-rare toddler?”

Operation Family-Free: A Conservative Tradition Evolving

The movement has sparked heated debate within the GOP, particularly from the more traditional pro-life crowd who are struggling to reconcile their lifelong stance with what has become a nationwide buffet of self-consumption.

“This… this was not what we meant when we said we’re ‘pro-family,’” muttered an ashen-faced Mike Huckabee, while handing out “Pray for Karen” t-shirts. “There were pamphlets about abstinence, not appetizers.”

Despite these concerns, the movement continues to gain momentum, with right-wing influencers like Marjorie Taylor Greene posting recipes on Twitter and YouTube tutorials on how to slow-cook the competition.

“But it’s not just about the children.”

Dr. Sarah Prawn, a conservative media strategist, argues that eating one’s own children is more than just a symbolic protest—it’s a rejection of the notion that women must be nurturing mothers to be valuable. “You know what nurtures me? My dreams. And possibly a side of mashed potatoes,” she said, gazing out from her Pinterest board of recipes featuring “kid-free keto.”

Meanwhile, Democrats, led by a bewildered Kamala Harris, are trying to make sense of the carnivorous chaos. “This… this is not what we meant,” Harris said at a press conference. “We were merely suggesting that women are more than their ability to bear children. Not… whatever this is.”

The Verdict?

While political analysts are divided on how this radical form of childfree empowerment will affect the GOP’s voter base in the long run, one thing is clear: the Republicans have once again found an innovative way to redefine family values.

Senator J.D. Vance, the unwitting catalyst of the carnage, has yet to comment, though sources say he was seen at an Ohio BBQ suspiciously avoiding the ribs section.