PALM BEACH, FL — In a press conference held outside his gold-plated Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet, former President Donald Trump took the podium Thursday morning to reassure Americans that he remains profoundly connected to the daily struggles of the average voter.
“I’m very in touch. Maybe the most in touch. Some people say I’m the most in-touch person they’ve ever seen,” Trump said, waving a crumpled McDonald’s receipt he claimed was “proof” of his street cred. “And I know exactly how much a gallon of eggs costs. It’s… twelve, maybe fourteen dollars. Could be fifteen if they’re deluxe eggs. I buy the best eggs. Tremendous eggs. Gallons of them.”
Though aides nearby whispered urgently into earpieces and stared at the ground with the kind of focus usually reserved for hostages blinking Morse code, Trump continued undeterred.
“I’m just like you,” he said. “I shop at American stores—like Tiffany’s, Gucci, Costco when they let me. I understand hardship. I once had to fly commercial. It was terrible. People were coughing. I had to wear sunglasses.”
“Woke 401(k)s Are Overrated”
Addressing economic concerns, Trump pivoted seamlessly into his bold new vision for retirement: don’t.
“We’re liberating the American people from the shackles of woke retirement plans,” he announced. “Your 401(k)? Full of critical race theory. Your IRA? Probably identifies as non-binary. We’re dismantling it. You’re welcome.”
While financial experts scrambled to decode what, exactly, a “woke” retirement plan entails, Trump elaborated with his usual clarity.
“People don’t want safe investments anymore. They want freedom. We’re replacing your retirement accounts with exciting things. NFTs of bald eagles. Gold coins with my face on them. Real American stuff.”
According to Trump, “People are thanking me. Everywhere I go. They say, ‘Sir, thank you for destroying my Roth IRA. I hated saving. Now I just Venmo a guy named Kyle who promises to invest in solid American muscle cars.’”
“They Love Me in the Bread Aisle”
Asked by a reporter when he last visited a grocery store, Trump responded confidently, “I was just in one. Recently. They have lights, carts, some very nice freezers. I bought a block of milk, a bottle of bread, and a gallon of eggs. That’s how regular people shop, and I’m very regular.”
Despite persistent confusion, Trump remained upbeat.
“Americans are doing great. Better than ever. And I know because I talk to them. I talk to waiters, caddies, people with jobs. Real people. And they tell me, ‘Sir, please lower the minimum wage.’ And I say, ‘You’re welcome.’”
