President Donald J. Trump announced today his intention to reopen the prison Azkaban, asserting that those opposing his administration are under the influence of “dark magical forces.”
“We’re going to bring it back, folks. Azkaban. People say it’s not real — I say it’s real in our hearts, and it’s time we use it to protect our nation,” Trump declared during a press briefing at the White House.
This announcement comes on the heels of Trump’s directive to reopen the historic Alcatraz prison, aiming to detain America’s most dangerous criminals.
“Alcatraz is nice — very scenic, lots of rock — but Azkaban is really something else,” Trump said. “It floats. It has flying things. Very secure. You can’t escape. Except for that one guy, but that was fake news.”
When questioned about the feasibility of reopening a prison that exists solely within the pages of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, Trump dismissed the concerns.
“I’ve read the books, OK? All of them. Very long. A lot of people said I wouldn’t finish them, but I did. I’m the best reader,” Trump asserted. “And everyone agrees — if I were in that world, I would be the greatest wizard. People say that. Even Dumbledore would’ve voted for me, if he weren’t canceled.”
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, when asked for comment, simply blinked slowly before stating, “We are not in a position to comment on… wizarding corrections infrastructure.”
Meanwhile, supporters of the president have already begun fundraising for the construction of “New Azkaban,” with proposed sites ranging from the Florida swamplands to a floating island off the coast of Texas. One proposed blueprint shows a large, obsidian fortress labeled “TRUMPKABAN” with gold trim and a statue of Trump holding a staff made from an American flagpole.
