In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning plastic straws: one touched him inappropriately at his 13th birthday party.
The confession came during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump, standing in front of a golden ice sculpture of himself, recounted the harrowing tale.
“It was a beautiful party, the best party, some are saying the greatest 13th birthday of all time. Incredible cake. Tremendous. But then—then something happened. I was alone, totally alone in the kitchen, okay? My staff had left the room, maybe they were conspiring, who knows? I’m standing by the drink tray, very classy drinks, none of that weak stuff, and out of nowhere… it happened. A plastic straw—very bad, very sneaky—touched me. And not in a good way, folks. Not in a good way.”
When asked by reporters to elaborate, Trump waved them off, stating, “I won’t go into details, but it left a mark. A big mark. Mental and physical. Some are saying it’s the most tragic thing to ever happen to a 13-year-old. Maybe ever.”
The former president then added that this was just one of several traumatic incidents involving everyday objects from his childhood.
“I was going to keep this inside, very deep inside, but you know what? It’s time for the truth. Plastic straws—terrible. But also, badminton birdies. Just disgusting. One hit me right in the face in 1961. Total disaster. I still have the imprint. Doctors say it’s the reason I have such perfect skin. And heirloom tomatoes? Let’s just say, I don’t trust them. Never have, never will. One did something—something bad—to me in my youth. The details? Not important. What’s important is that they’re gone. Banned. Forever.”
In response to the revelation, several prominent Republicans scrambled to amend their stance on plastic straws, with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis immediately issuing an executive order to ban all “perverted straws” from the state. Meanwhile, heirloom tomato farmers across the nation have begun rebranding their produce as “Freedom Tomatoes” in an effort to avoid being swept up in future bans.
Trump concluded the press conference by stating, “I’m very brave for coming forward. A lot of people are calling me the bravest. I’d say maybe the bravest person to ever admit to being attacked by a straw. Possibly the most heroic confession in American history. You’re welcome.”
He then stormed off, knocking over a drink tray filled with paper straws, which he quickly labeled “pathetic, limp, and frankly, embarrassing.”
