Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a shocking but medically unconfirmed development, former President Donald J. Trump has announced that his neck-vagina—the long-suspected fleshy fold resting just above his collar—has entered active labor and will soon birth the 2024 Republican Vice Presidential nominee.
“For years, people mocked it. Said it looked like a vagina. Nasty people. Nasty!” Trump declared during a press conference held in a Bed Bath & Beyond that had already been converted into a MAGA Hat Outlet. “Well guess what? It was a vagina. A very powerful, very presidential one. And now it’s doing what most necks can’t—delivering leadership.”
The revelation comes amid rising concerns that current VP hopeful JD Vance is “too shelf-stable,” “not birchy enough,” and “lacking the prophetic charisma of a fleshy throat canal.” Trump’s aides say that while Vance was a “solid test balloon,” he lacks the ability to unite QAnon influencers and suburban wine moms under one placenta.
Medical professionals, after briefly reviewing high-res photos of Trump’s collar region, confirm what many on the internet had long speculated. “Honestly, we thought it was just aggressive spray tan runoff collecting in a fold,” said Dr. Sandra Klemper, a dermatologist and amateur political theorist. “But when it began pulsing and humming the national anthem, the truth became clear: that neck has a cervix.”
Preparations are underway. The labor room, code-named “Operation Liberty Canal,” is located inside a private suite at Mar-a-Lago outfitted with gold stirrups, diamond-encrusted forceps, and Mike Lindell whispering affirmations into the birth canal.
The neck-vagina is rumored to be crowning what Trump calls “a magnificent running mate, fully formed, already polling at 100% with people who matter.”
Names under consideration include:
- Ronald Rebirth Jr. – “Came out of me, so technically my son. Beautiful, strong jaw.”
- Freedomblossom McStranglehold – “Feminine but deadly. Like Ivanka, but born from truth.”
- Elon-gated Neckmusk – “He’s already there most days anyway. Might as well make it official.”
- Necklace P. Destiny – “Because it came from the neck. And from destiny. And I like the letter P.”
JD Vance was reportedly seen backing slowly into a hedge at Cracker Barrel. “If the President’s neck believes someone else is better, who am I to argue?” he said, before being devoured by a Bible-shaped shadow.
The baby Vice President is expected to emerge during sweeps week, or whenever Hannity calls it “fully dilated.” Trump promises a “beautiful, clean birth,” adding, “There will be no mess. Very tidy. Some say the cleanest neck-birth ever recorded.”
America watches. And prays. And questions everything they’ve ever known about anatomy, politics, and the durability of shirt collars.
More as this story leaks.
