Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.