Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public.

“Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying from the shrubs. “I know my appearance can be, let’s say, unsettling to some people. I get it—there’s something about the way I stare unblinkingly into the souls of my constituents. So why not just remove myself from sight? What better way to do that than with foliage?”

Leaves of Change

The strategy, dubbed “Operation Hide and Speak,” is already in full swing. Campaign staff have been instructed to plant decorative bushes at every town hall, fundraiser, and diner Vance visits. Early prototypes included a pair of geraniums and some ferns, but Vance quickly gravitated toward denser shrubbery like boxwoods and junipers for “maximum concealment.”

Political experts are divided on the move. “It’s unconventional, but it may actually work,” said Mary Greenfield, a political consultant. “When people don’t have to see his face, they might focus more on his words—though, unfortunately, that could make things worse.”

Criticism from Opponents

Vance’s political opponents, however, have seized the opportunity to poke fun. “J.D. Vance hiding behind bushes? That’s the most relatable thing he’s ever done,” quipped one Ohio politician. “At least now, he’s showing us exactly where his policies are coming from—deep within a bush of nonsense.”

The Great Debate: Fern or Foliage?

Insiders close to the Vance campaign say there has been considerable debate over which specific plants to use in different situations. For formal speeches, dense evergreens provide optimal coverage, while town halls will feature “a more approachable hedge,” likely a low-maintenance variety of holly. “We’re even considering some potted palms for campaign stops in warmer states,” a campaign aide said. “Nothing too tropical, though—he doesn’t want to look out of place. Just a man and his bush, trying to connect with the people.”

The strategy is already showing results. Polls indicate that Ohio residents are “marginally less creeped out” by Vance’s presence behind greenery. “He’s still a little weird,” said one voter at a recent rally, squinting into the underbrush, “but at least I don’t have to stare directly at him.”

Bush-Based Solutions

For his part, Vance remains optimistic. “Look, America is a divided country,” he said, briefly poking his head out from a forsythia bush before retreating back in. “Some of us are scared of creepy stares; some of us are scared of Washington elites. I’m offering a third option: be scared of a politician hiding in a bush. It’s progress.”

As the elections approach, one thing is clear—whether lurking behind a ficus or buried in the branches of a spruce, J.D. Vance is committed to running his campaign from the shadows. Quite literally.