Heaven (October 1, 2024) – In a stunning turn of celestial events, Pete Rose, the legendary baseball star who was infamously banned from Major League Baseball for gambling, has now found himself banned from heaven after an even more shocking revelation: he placed a bet on his own death in a heavenly dead pool.

Sources close to the pearly gates confirmed today that St. Peter, known for keeping the roster of who enters paradise, was blindsided when a heavenly audit revealed Rose had placed himself on a VIP-only “Afterlife Fantasy League,” where the saints and sinners alike wager on the mortal departures of Earthlings.

“Pete’s competitive spirit was never in question,” said St. Peter during an exclusive interview. “But, honestly, this was low. I’ve seen a lot in my eons up here, but a guy betting on his own arrival? That’s a first.”

The Celestial Gambling Scandal

Rose, who holds the all-time Major League record for hits, has a notorious history with gambling that eventually led to his lifetime ban from baseball. However, the discovery of his extracurricular afterlife activities has apparently taken things to a whole new plane—literally. According to heavenly insiders, Rose listed himself in a dead pool back in 2010, giving himself long odds on making it to 2024.

“He was really proud of that pick,” one anonymous cherub said. “Apparently, he had been keeping an eye on his cholesterol for years to rig the bet in his favor. Every time he had an extra salad or took a jog, it wasn’t about his health—it was about the payout.”

In addition to the bet on his own demise, records show that Rose also bet against several notable figures in sports and politics, including “The Curse of the Bambino,” which is now being reviewed as a potential afterlife violation of some sort.

St. Peter’s Press Conference

During a press conference outside the Gates, St. Peter detailed the council’s decision to indefinitely ban Rose from entering heaven.

“Look, Pete did great things on the diamond, but you just can’t go gambling on your own eternity. We run a tight ship up here. If you’re going to play fast and loose with celestial ethics, you won’t be getting past these gates,” said St. Peter, flashing the giant book where names are inscribed. “We’re not even talking about purgatory. This is a straight-up eternity ban. There’s no appeals process for this.”

Rose reportedly tried to argue that this was a misunderstanding and that, technically, it wasn’t gambling because he was “always gonna bet on himself.” But heaven’s disciplinary committee wasn’t having it. One source suggested Rose may have even placed a wager on whether he could talk his way back in—a move that might’ve sealed his fate.

An Eternity in Limbo

With Rose now officially barred from heaven, questions have arisen about where the baseball star will spend eternity. Some speculate that he may end up in a new, specially designated “Gambler’s Limbo,” a realm for souls who pushed their luck a little too far. Others have joked that Rose will find a way to start an underground blackjack ring in the celestial waiting room.

Rose’s representatives released a brief statement: “Pete is, of course, disappointed by heaven’s decision. He maintains that betting on himself was an act of self-confidence and not a violation of celestial codes. He is currently exploring his options, including filing an appeal with a higher power—whoever that may be.”

Commissioner of Heaven’s Baseball Response

Even though Pete Rose’s gambling habits caused his lifetime ban in Major League Baseball, some fans were hoping that his death might prompt reconsideration for his inclusion in heaven’s prestigious Hall of Fame. But with this latest revelation, the Commissioner of Heaven’s Baseball, Babe Ruth (yes, the Babe Ruth), had strong words.

“We don’t take lightly to this kind of behavior in paradise. Heaven’s Hall of Fame isn’t just about talent—it’s about spirit. You think I’d let Shoeless Joe in? No way. And now Rose? He can take a hike, eternally.”

As for the rest of eternity, Rose was last seen pacing in the limbo zone, scribbling new odds on a chalkboard for the next celestial dead pool. Word has it, he’s now the favorite to place bets on which disgraced figures might join him.

Until then, it seems Pete Rose will have to settle for a seat somewhere far less glamorous than the big leagues—or the big gates.