“Running out of clouds to yell at!”

November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity is in serious jeopardy.

“I was gearing up to yell about how Biden was steering the country straight into the ground,” sighed Uncle Rick, as he nervously polished off his third glass of pinot noir before noon. “I had an entire PowerPoint presentation ready for the cranberry sauce course.” Rick, like many other Boomer uncles, now finds himself in a void, unsure of how to re-purpose his well-rehearsed monologue on the perils of progressive tax reform and pronouns.

For Aunt Linda, whose Thanksgiving crown jewel was screaming “fake news” at whichever liberal niece or nephew dared mention the economy, the news of Trump’s win has thrown her entire week into chaos. “Who’s going to rant about inflation now?” she wondered, nervously adjusting her homemade MAGA earrings. “I was ready to tear apart anyone who suggested any future that didn’t include a border wall and a gas stove.”

Typically, Thanksgiving has served as a sanctuary for Boomers to drink just a touch too much and raise their voices slightly too loud, confidently blaming Democrats for everything from the stock market to pumpkin spice lattes. Yet now, left without Biden to berate or “voter fraud” to invoke, they’re left aimless, wandering through their homes muttering to themselves and idly swiping through Fox News headlines that suddenly lack any urgency.

A quick scroll through social media reveals that the crisis is widespread. One thread on Reddit shows Boomers desperate for a topic that won’t fizzle out by the turkey course. “If I can’t yell about ‘socialism’ without context, then what am I supposed to yell about?” asked one anonymous poster. “My son-in-law suggested climate change, but it just isn’t the same.”

To fill the void, many Boomers are turning to unlikely topics. Last week, a record number of Google searches for “Is TikTok bad?” and “Are air fryers really just tiny ovens?” spiked as Thanksgiving hosts across the nation frantically sought alternative arguments to fuel the holiday spirit. While TikTok’s alleged “brainwashing effect” provided Uncle Jim with about five minutes of solid material, and Aunt Susan discovered a vague hatred for plant-based butter, these new topics barely make it through the mashed potatoes.

Cousins sitting at the kids’ table have even banded together in an effort to introduce “safe topics” like the latest Marvel movie, pets, or the benefits of a balanced 401(k). “It was a nice try,” admitted 28-year-old Taylor, whose mother stormed out of the room when her dog’s pronouns were casually mentioned. “But it just isn’t the same. It’s like they’re all trying to drum up fake outrage about ‘Gen Z sensitivity’ and ‘remote work’—it’s amateur stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boomers are getting desperate. In fact, “The War on Christmas” arguments are breaking out nearly a month early. “I don’t care if it’s only Thanksgiving!” said Grandma Sandy, clutching her cross. “I’ll start complaining about Starbucks cups if it keeps this dinner from being ruined by peaceful conversation!”

Back in Uncle Rick’s home, the situation grows dire as he notices his son and daughter-in-law attempting to compliment each other’s careers and swap recipes in a rare show of familial harmony. Wringing his hands, Rick finally snaps, diving in with, “I bet you’re happy with those student loan pauses! Back in my day, we earned things!”

By evening, as leftover casserole cools, and Boomer patriots sit in armchairs, visibly listless and clutching their empty glasses, a tear glistens in Uncle Rick’s eye. “I just wanted someone to call me out for wearing a Let’s Go Brandon hat indoors,” he whispers.