Thursday 3rd April, 2025

Chinese SMS Scammers Take a Well-Deserved Break to Play Black Myth: Wukong During Release Week

Robert Odom on August 28, 2024

Beijing, China – In an unprecedented and heartwarming show of camaraderie and self-care, the world’s most notorious SMS scammers have decided to put their work on hold to enjoy a week-long gaming binge of the newly released Black Myth: Wukong. The scam industry, usually known for its relentless pursuit of unsuspecting smartphone users with fake shipping notifications and “urgent” banking alerts, have taken a break to play the long-awaited Black Myth: Wukong single-handedly bolstering the Steam downloads and user rate.

“Everyone needs a break,” said Lin Wei, a veteran scammer with over a million fake IRS texts under his belt. “The grind gets to you after a while. You send out thousands of messages, but at the end of the day, you’re just staring at numbers on a screen. With Black Myth: Wukong, we get to stare at something a little more exciting, like mythical beasts and gorgeous landscapes.”

The decision to pause their activities came after a heated debate in various scammer WeChat groups. According to sources within these circles, the consensus was clear: nothing should stand between a dedicated scammer and their chance to wield the power of the Monkey King, especially not a workweek filled with monotonous tasks like impersonating tax officials.

Reports indicate that the release of Black Myth: Wukong has caused a noticeable dip in scam activities. Internet service providers and cybersecurity firms have observed a significant drop in phishing attempts and fraudulent text messages. In fact, one major provider reported a 50% reduction in spam texts in just the first 24 hours of the game’s release.

“This is actually great news,” commented Su Yan, a digital security expert. “Not only are people able to enjoy a brief reprieve from scam messages, but it also means the scammers are engaging in a form of harmless entertainment. It’s a win-win!”

Even the top executives in charge of these scam operations have endorsed the break. In a rare public statement, one anonymous leader of a large scamming syndicate declared, “We fully support our employees taking this time to relax and recharge. We believe that a well-rested scammer is a more effective scammer.”

As the week progresses, millions of smartphone users around the globe are enjoying peace and quiet, free from the usual barrage of fraudulent texts and AI photos of Asian women who need a friend. However, cybersecurity experts are cautioning the public not to get too comfortable. “Enjoy the quiet while it lasts,” Su Yan warns. “Because once this game is over or the next DLC is delayed, they’ll be back with a vengeance, refreshed and with a whole new set of tricks up their sleeves.”

For now, though, the world can breathe a little easier knowing that, at least for one week, even scammers need to have some fun. So, if you’ve noticed your phone is eerily quiet, don’t worry, it’s not a glitch. It’s just a horde of scammers enjoying the newly released Black Myth: Wukong.

The Game Awards Changes Format to Advertisements Only in 2024

Robert Odom on December 12, 2023

The 2024 Game Awards has officially changed format following this years debacle that upset viewers and developers alike. 

Geoff Keighley creator and producer of the Game Awards gave a statement earlier today announcing the new format. 

“We at the game awards take feedback seriously and so moving forward we will be changing our format to 5 hours of game announcements, we have decided that there’s just too much talking in the awards acceptance speeches so we’ll be sending out the list of winners and their comments via email after the 5 hours of advertisements we will bring you live in 2024.”

However conveniently left out of his statement which was later released via email is that you can Pre-Order the 2024 Game Awards now and it will come with 1 hour less of advertising and some pre-recorded acceptance speeches from winners and a special appearance by the Bill Clinton Rabbi Guy.

One other thing BROKEN NEWZ was able to gleam from the email is that during the 2024 broadcast you will be able to purchase less ads and more speeches live. A really small transaction live during the broadcast to enhance the performance of the broadcast and make it more enjoyable, instead of just including it. 

Insiders with the Game Awards say don’t worry though, they are working on patches right now to make the 2023 Game Awards more enjoyable for all.

Leather Jacket Files for Divorce from Todd Howard

Robert Odom on December 11, 2023

Todd Howard and his Leather Jacket have filed for divorce after 5 years of marriage

The Leather Jacket cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause for divorce, according to documents obtained by BROKEN NEWZ that were filed with Montgomery County Court on December 11th. There was no date of separation listed.

Leather Jacket is seeking Leather Conditioner Support and has also requested the court terminate Todd’s ability to receive Leather Support Wear. 

BROKEN NEWZ has reached out to Howard for comment but the game executive is not making any statements at this time. 

The Leather Jacket is on record stating, “Our relationship has become entirely co-dependent, I can no longer go on supporting Todd when he makes statements such as “Starfield is like Skyrim in Space” I’ve devoted hours to Starfield and Todd but his statements are categorically false!” 

The pair married in June 2018 and share one closet. The pair met when Todd decided he needed to appear more cool on stage, a point of contention for Leather Jacket. “When Todd and I met he made it seem like this was going to be a partnership but for years I just feel like I’ve been used to make him feel better about himself, it’s time I start living for me and shouldering my own responsibilities instead of beefing up Todd’s” 

Todd Howard’s estimated net worth is $9 Million, according to Maryland law he’ll have to split that with Leather Jacket making Leather Jacket the richest leather garment in the United States. Which leaves all eyes on Jensen Huang of NVIDIA with an estimated worth of $38.3 Billion and his Leather Jacket.

Florida Chamber of Commerce Furious at Rockstar Games

Robert Odom on December 6, 2023

On December 4th, 2023, Rockstar Games finally gave us a look at the long-anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI. While fans rejoiced from the walk-in basements of their parents’ homes about the upcoming release and escape from their bleak existence in this nothing world, not everyone was happy with the release.

The Florida Chamber of Commerce is absolutely furious with Rockstar. Sally Mothersbaugh-Ford-Heffelfinger from the chamber took to social media to decry the release of the trailer. “Is this some kind of joke? Rockstar just stole our entire ‘Welcome to Florida’ promotional video.”

Sally wasn’t the only one to chime in about the trailer drop. The head of the Chamber, Doug Montelban, released an official statement this week, stating, “I am absolutely saddened and distraught that Rockstar would blatantly steal our promotional footage and use it for their game. We at the Florida Chamber of Commerce have worked diligently over the last several years to compile calm and endearing footage of the lives of Floridians that we want to share with the rest of the world, only for it to be stolen from us.”

Even though the Chamber is upset with Rockstar, reports indicate that the footage is working, and tourists are flocking to Florida this winter to witness for themselves the naked charm of Florida. Whether it’s twerking on a car or fishing alligators out of a pool, one thing is for certain: Florida, man.

Tesla’s Cybertruck Named Official Vehicle for The End of The World

Robert Odom on December 6, 2023

The wait is finally over! Tesla started making deliveries of its long-awaited Cybertruck last week to a small audience inside an underground bunker at their Austin, TX headquarters. Although it’s been 4 years since the unveiling of the Cybertruck, much has changed with the vehicle and the landscape of America. With doomsday approaching, Cyberpreppers are queuing up in small numbers to get their own Cybertruck before the bottom falls out.

While many felt this was an excruciating delay, others heralded it as the boldest and most brilliant marketing move that maverick owner and chief tweeter Elon Musk has made thus far. The Tesla Cybertruck will be the go-to vehicle for the coming apocalypse, said Elon Musk on his coveted platform X. One thing is clear about the Cybertruck: the avant-garde vehicle, draped in bulletproof stainless steel and glass, is poised to become a sanctuary on wheels as it cruises through the unpredictable terrain of what some anticipate will be a bullet-riddled, post-apocalyptic America.

Head Cybertruck engineer and Teslavangelist Richard Butt stated, “We understand that time is of the essence. The Cybertruck isn’t just a vehicle; it’s a statement—a statement that even in the face of impending doom, style and innovation prevail.”

The Cybertruck will come in three packages. The base model, starting at “You can’t afford this, why are you even entertaining it?” will include a single motor, a 50-caliber machine gun turret, and a whopping 320-mile range. The most advanced package, nicknamed the “Omega Package,” will offer an optional flamethrower, grenade launcher, and flashbang package so you can escape the hordes of whatever is left in the wasteland after we destroy our country in 2024.

Whether the Cybertruck is merely a genius marketing move ahead of our impending doom or gearing up to be the symbol of survival and transportation in a shattered world broken by the darkness that envelops us all is yet to be seen, but we eagerly await what is yet to come. So, as the Cybertruck hits the streets well ahead of schedule, it invites the question: Is this an ordinary vehicle launch, or is it a calculated response to a world on the brink? Buckle up because the ride just got a whole lot more interesting, and the Cybertruck is leading the charge into the chaos that lies ahead.