“Right here,” he sniffled, tapping the robot’s chest. “Right in the innovation.”

In a moment that had Capitol Hill staffers fighting back giggles and secondhand embarrassment, Elon Musk was asked during a congressional hearing to “please point to the Tesla Bot where the protestors hurt you.”

Aides wheeled out one of Musk’s Optimus robots, which had been awkwardly dressed in a suit jacket “for professionalism,” as Musk requested. The robot, expressionless and unaware of the cringe about to unfold, stood stiffly as Musk turned solemn and dramatically lifted a trembling finger.

“They said I was out of touch,” Musk said, gently pressing the bot’s chest. “Right here. That’s where it hurt the most. My… center of disruption.”

He then pointed to the robot’s left arm. “They mocked my tweets. My free speech arm. I use that arm to post memes at 3 AM that change the world.”

Lawmakers, trying their best to maintain decorum, nodded while scribbling things like “therapy?” and “is this performance art?” in their notebooks.

Musk continued, emotion rising. “And here—” he tapped the bot’s shin “—when they laughed at the Cybertruck windows breaking, I felt… like someone keyed my soul. Do you know how hard it is to invent glass that sometimes works?”

The hearing, intended to investigate labor concerns and the growing number of protests outside Tesla factories, derailed quickly into what one senator described as “a middle-school talent show, but the only act is Elon.”

Musk defended himself valiantly. “Do you know how hard it is to be me? I run like, 18 companies. I slept under my desk once. And people still say mean things when the stock drops 15%. I cried one time on TV and now it’s a meme. I’m the real victim here.”

Congress then asked if he could please refocus on worker safety complaints and the reason for the hearing.

Instead, Musk adjusted the Optimus bot’s arm into a high-five position and slapped it weakly.

“This robot,” he whispered dramatically, “understands me more than the American people ever will.”

The hearing adjourned early.

When asked for comment afterward, the Tesla Bot simply said: “Emotion detected: awkwardness.” Then powered down.

Washington, D.C. — In what can only be described as a stunning blend of national security panic and digital illiteracy, several prominent GOP officials have raised concerns over what they’re calling a “new wave of biologically suggestive ballistic threats” — namely, eggplant-shaped missiles.

The hysteria reportedly began during a late-night group chat among conservative lawmakers, when Rep. Harold Brunsfield (R-TN) shared screenshots of text messages he received from Pete Hegseth. The texts included ominous phrases like, “We’re gonna hit them HARD”, followed by a string of eggplant emojis.

“At first I thought he meant farming subsidies,” Brunsfield said. “Then I saw the emojis. One after another. Eggplant after eggplant. It was… threatening. Suggestive. Possibly nuclear.”

Senator Mitzi Graham (R-AL), chair of the Senate Committee on Misinterpreted Fruit Emojis, was quick to act. “We can’t take chances,” she told reporters. “If our enemies are developing phallic vegetable projectiles, we must respond with cucumber-shaped countermeasures and zucchini diplomacy.”

Hegseth, when reached for comment, said, “I just like the emoji. It’s bold. Firm. American.” He later followed up with a statement on Truth Social, claiming he uses the eggplant “as a symbol of strength, not anything weird, perverts.”

But things escalated when a classified internal memo leaked to the press showed several Republican lawmakers had begun stockpiling screenshots of Hegseth’s messages as evidence of potential eggplant aggression. The memo also suggested a misinterpretation of other emojis, including:

• The peach emoji, believed by Rep. Lou Danders (R-KY) to indicate “a soft target in Georgia.”
• The sweating emoji, which Sen. Rick Holster (R-FL) interpreted as “a sign of biological warfare or yoga infiltration.”
• And the fire emoji, which Rep. Marla Pickens (R-TX) claims is “a coded call to arms from antifa arsonists or possibly a spicy barbecue invite.”

In a final twist, GOP leadership held a closed-door meeting to discuss banning emoji use entirely in congressional correspondence, unless cleared by a newly appointed “Emoji Translator General.”

Meanwhile, Hegseth has doubled down, now ending every segment on Fox News with a wink and a full-screen eggplant. When asked if he was trolling Congress, he replied, “Not at all. But if I were, they’d never know. They still think the poop emoji is a chocolate ice cream swirl.”

America, it seems, is once again divided — this time, over the true meaning of 🍆.

Washington, D.C. – In a series of events that has captivated the White House staff, President Joe Biden has found himself in a battle of wits with a formidable opponent: the TV remote. With Vice President Kamala Harris hitting the campaign trail, the Commander-in-Chief is left to navigate the treacherous waters of modern technology solo, and let’s just say, the struggle is real.

The trouble began last Tuesday evening when President Biden attempted to tune into his favorite news show. According to sources inside the White House, the President ended up accidentally purchasing a season pass for a reality show about competitive cake decorating. “I just wanted to see what’s going on with the economy, and now I’m getting notifications about ‘Cupcake Chaos’ every five minutes,” Biden reportedly exclaimed.

Staffers have described scenes of chaos in the White House living quarters as Biden struggles to figure out what exactly the ‘Input’ button does. “We tried to explain it to him, but then he started reminiscing about the time he first saw color television,” said one aide. “Next thing we know, he’s on the phone with the Smithsonian asking if they have the original RCA remote on display.”

It’s not just the buttons that are causing confusion. With Vice President Harris off on the campaign trail, the President has also had to fend for himself when it comes to choosing what to watch. “Kamala used to set everything up for him, but now we’re getting calls from the West Wing at odd hours,” another staffer confided. “The other night he somehow found himself in a 24-hour loop of C-SPAN coverage of the 1985 Farm Bill debates. He said it was oddly soothing, but we’re a little concerned.”

The situation has reportedly reached a breaking point, with the President’s last straw being his failed attempt to record the newest episode of “60 Minutes.” Instead, he managed to start a Spanish-language telenovela marathon. “I’m learning a lot of Spanish, but I still don’t know if they caught that Wall Street guy,” Biden lamented.

Despite the turmoil, the President is not one to give up easily. White House insiders say Biden has taken to calling his grandchildren for technical support, though they often end up taking over and binge-watching cartoons instead. “At this rate, I’ll know everything about ‘Peppa Pig,’ but I won’t have a clue what Congress is up to,” Biden joked.

As a last resort, the White House is considering assigning a dedicated “Remote Control Czar” to assist the President, though there are concerns this might require a Senate confirmation hearing. In the meantime, staffers are encouraging Biden to stick with Netflix, where the ‘play next episode’ feature has become his new best friend. “At least there are no buttons involved,” one aide quipped.

Whether President Biden will eventually master the elusive remote remains to be seen, but for now, one thing is clear: Kamala Harris’s campaign trail might just be a little smoother than Biden’s quest to watch the evening news.