“The comeback is real!” tweets a hopeful millionaire-turned-Uber driver. Crypto enthusiasts are in high spirits this week as Bitcoin surged to an impressive $28,000—a number that, while still a fraction of its former $60,000 glory, has inspired a wave of optimism among long-suffering investors. “This is the comeback we’ve been waiting for!” tweeted self-proclaimed crypto mogul Gary Hoddle, now an...
Lifestyle
Spokesman-Review’s Alexandra Duggan Faces Career Crisis: Talent, Not Affairs, Needed for Success
Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in Boise—leaving scandalized supervisors at KTVB and the Idaho Press in her wake—Duggan has discovered an unfortunate truth about the journalism industry: at some point, you have to actually write. “I didn’t sign up for this,”...
Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity...
Google Reports Highest-Ever Search Term Following Trump’s Reelection: “Holy Fucking Shit What Just Happened Did He Get Reelected How Do I Buy a House in Canada?”
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by the second-highest search term, “where...
Donald Trump Watch Only Tells You Why Other Watches Can’t Tell Time
Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures. At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The BEST watch. Everybody’s saying it....
Elon Musk Just Snatched the Top Spot on Forbes’ Creepiest Billionaire List—Mark Zuckerberg’s Tears are Digital
Move over, Zuck, there’s a new creeper in town, and it’s none other than Elon Musk! That’s right, the man who once challenged Vladimir Putin to single combat over the fate of Ukraine has now bested Mark Zuckerberg to claim the number one spot on Forbes‘ illustrious “Creepiest Billionaire” list. It’s been a nail-biting race, but Musk, who has never...
P. Diddy Changes Name Again in Attempt to Escape Legal Troubles: “I Am Now… Probably Not Diddy”
The artist formerly known as Puffy, Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and, most recently, Love, has decided to change his name yet again in hopes of dodging his current legal issues. Sources close to the hip-hop mogul say Sean Combs, or whatever he’s calling himself today, believes a new identity might confuse the court system—perhaps just enough for him...
Thousands of Republican Women Devour Their Own Young to Prove They Too Don’t Need Children
In a move that has stunned political pundits and family dinner tables alike, thousands of Republican women across the country have chosen to literally eat their young in an effort to prove once and for all that conservative women, like their Democratic counterparts, do not require children to assert political or personal power. The mass self-cannibalization campaign, dubbed “Operation No...
Donald Trump Jr. Launches New TikTok Account Featuring Stray Cat and Dog Recipes: First Recipe, Tabby Cat Casserole
In what many are calling his most creative endeavor yet, Donald Trump Jr. has taken to TikTok with an unexpected and highly controversial new series of videos. Titled Neighborhood Nom Noms, the series aims to teach Americans how to cook delicious, homey meals using stray cats and dogs “liberated” from local yards, alleyways, and, in some cases, front porches. His...
Georgia Governor Signs Controversial ‘Fetal Self-Defense’ Bill into Law
Atlanta, GA — In a move that has left both lawmakers and citizens scratching their heads, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed into law the “Fetal Self-Defense Act” yesterday afternoon. The legislation mandates that all pregnant women equip their unborn children with concealed weapons “to protect against potential threats,” a move proponents say will deter abortion providers and critics call “absurd...
Democrats Unveil Bold Plan to Win Back the South by 2076: “We’re in No Rush,” Says DNC
In a stunning display of long-term planning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) today announced an ambitious strategy to reclaim the South by the year 2076. “We’ve been playing the long game,” said a DNC spokesperson, “and we’re confident that by the time America celebrates its tricentennial, we’ll have made significant inroads.” The plan, which includes a combination of outreach to...
“Trump’s New Fashion Line: A Dressed-Down Success”
New York, August 2024 – In a move that has taken the fashion world by storm, former President Donald Trump has unveiled his latest venture: a high-end clothing line that has his supporters ready to empty their wallets. The collection, aptly named “The Emperor’s Attire,” features a range of luxurious garments that, according to Trump, “are the finest clothes anyone...
McDonald’s Faces Unprecedented Sales Drop as Nation Realizes Diarrhea Isn’t Fun
In an unforeseen turn of events, fast-food giant McDonald’s has reported a significant decrease in sales as Americans finally come to grips with the revelation that experiencing diarrhea is, in fact, not enjoyable. Diarrhea Detractors Speak Out “I used to enjoy the thrill of eating a McDouble and playing the ‘Will I or Won’t I’ game with my digestive system,”...
Richard Simmons Emerges from Hibernation, Sees Shadow, Declares Six More Weeks of Gay Pride Month
Hollywood, CA – In an event that has shocked meteorologists, pop culture enthusiasts, and the LGBTQ+ community alike, beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons emerged from his self-imposed hibernation yesterday. In a bizarre twist of fate, he saw his own shadow, promptly announcing six more weeks of Gay Pride Month. Simmons, who has largely stayed out of the public eye in...
Presidents’ Day Now Will Add Asterisk To Signify “MOST” Presidents
Presidents’ Day, authorities have announced a significant amendment to the holiday’s celebration. Henceforth, Presidents’ Day will come with a subtle asterisk, signifying the inclusion of “MOST” presidents. This nuanced adjustment aims to acknowledge the vast majority of leaders who have graced the Oval Office while tactfully sidestepping a select few who might not be everyone’s cup of tea. The decision...
Lesbian Online Relationship Ends Terribly When Both Men Meet
Harlong, Nebraska – A long-term lesbian relationship went up in flames this week when both parties reluctantly met for the first time. Matt “Hot_tongue1169” Phillips and Terrance “NE146D9” Mapps, both of Harlong, have been conducting an online relationship since October 1998. Seth Chambers, a friend of Phillips, explains. “Matt started impersonating female Hot_Tongue1169 in lesbian chat rooms over 5 years...
Please Check The Expiration Date on Your Birth Certificate
In a stunning revelation that has left the nation collectively scratching its head, it turns out that birth certificates come with expiration dates! Cue the gasps, double-takes, and a resounding “Wait, what?” echoing across the land. As people flock to their dusty drawers and attics in search of this unexpected ticking time bomb, conspiracy theories are starting to emerge –...
Studies Show That White Girls Spend 17% of Their Lives Thinking About Cutting Their Bangs
The data revealed that White girls’ thoughts about bangs peak during mundane activities like grocery shopping, sitting in traffic, or even attending mandatory office meetings. In fact, 72% of participants admitted to mentally measuring the ideal bang length during particularly dull moments. On the other side, studies show that white men spend 19% of their lives wondering what life would...
Kang the Conqueror Sentenced to Community Service: Attempts to Speed Clean with 400 Kangs Foiled by His Younger Self
Kang the Conqueror, the notorious time-traveling villain, has been handed a cosmic-sized sentence of 400 hours of community service for his laundry list of misdeeds, including kidnapping Avengers, obliterating Washington D.C., destroying his own kingdom, and being generally unpleasant. The judge, presumably tired of Kang’s grandiose theatrics, decided that instead of ruling entire timelines, he would rule the highway cleanup...
The Weather Channel Renewed for Another Season of Weather
The Weather Channel has just been picked up for yet another season of everyone’s favorite show The Weather. Fans of the hit series were overjoyed to hear that their daily dose of meteorological excitement will continue, and the network is gearing up for a season that promises to be even stormier than the last. It seems that the network’s unique...
Girl Wishes Happy Birthday to 10-Year-Old Dating Profile Picture
“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a decade, and you still have a few years to go!” The charm of the photo worked wonders. Several dozen men had been captivated by its timeless allure, leading to first dates in dimly lit bars and cozy coffee shops. Sarah,...
Florida Chamber of Commerce Furious at Rockstar Games
On December 4th, 2023, Rockstar Games finally gave us a look at the long-anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI. While fans rejoiced from the walk-in basements of their parents’ homes about the upcoming release and escape from their bleak existence in this nothing world, not everyone was happy with the release. The Florida Chamber of Commerce is absolutely furious with Rockstar....
Fruity Revelation: Gen Z Discover Only Ingredient in Fruit Is More Fruit
Gen Z is reeling from a discovery that has left them questioning the very essence of their favorite snacks. Brace yourselves, because it turns out that the mysterious ingredient in fruits is, wait for it… more fruit! Yes, you read that right. It seems the digital-savvy generation, known for its ability to decode complex emojis and create viral TikToks, has...
World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling
In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world. People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens...
Thousands Boast Plan To Save Money By Not Paying Bills While Not Having A Job
In a world where financial wizardry meets unemployment chic, a growing trend is taking the internet by storm. Thousands of people are proudly announcing their master plan to save hundreds of dollars every month by boldly not paying their bills. Who needs a job when you can be a budgeting maverick, right? The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” Movement Move over, financial gurus and...
P. Diddy Changes Name Again in Attempt to Escape Legal Troubles: “I Am Now… Probably Not Diddy”
The artist formerly known as Puffy, Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and, most recently, Love, has decided to change...
“Trump’s New Fashion Line: A Dressed-Down Success”
New York, August 2024 – In a move that has taken the fashion world by storm, former President Donald Trump...
Girl Wishes Happy Birthday to 10-Year-Old Dating Profile Picture
“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a...
Thousands Boast Plan To Save Money By Not Paying Bills While Not Having A Job
In a world where financial wizardry meets unemployment chic, a growing trend is taking the internet by storm. Thousands of...
World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling
In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only...
Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction
Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of...
New Evidence Shows Donner Party Victims of High Protein Diet
Documents recently discovered by historians at Stanford University reveal that members of the famed Donner Party did not eat their...
Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is
In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in...
Geneva Convention Moved to Las Vegas
Geneva, Switzerland – Swiss tourism professionals got the bad news yesterday that the Geneva Convention, the world’s oldest and largest...
George Santos Happy He Can Spend More Time On Things Like Family, Cooking, and Federal Prison
In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the...
Trump Claims He Is Immuned To The Laws Of Physics
Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to...